The mobile phone rang. The driver was calling out to him. Bansi had dozed off at the back of his car, not unusually. He often stayed up late reading a book or working, like the night before. But he hadn’t even opened the book or his laptop.
He had stared into the wall opposite the bed thinking about what he had done. It was long past midnight when he had slept thinking to himself that it would all be for the best.
He opened his eyes accepting the call. His boss had called him twice already to discuss that day’s presentation. Clarifying slides the remaining distance to office, he went straight to his boss’ cabin and from there into the meeting. The meeting room was buzz with some discussion as they entered. One of the assembled broke news of Bhago’s resignation to them.
Bansi felt as if blood was drained out of his body on hearing it. As others speculated the reasons why she had quit, where she was heading to and who would fill her place, Bansi felt he had suddenly been teleported into the eye of a storm.
He was still in his thoughts when the meeting started. His behavior did not reveal his state of mind, however. Accustomed to meetings and meeting rooms, a white-line fever came over him as the meeting progressed. He offered his inputs, asked questions, made his presentation even as a hurricane of thoughts tried to wreak havoc in his mind. His pauses to calm the sudden urges to excuse himself from the meeting coincidentally added great effect to his presentation speech.
The meeting ran well beyond lunch time. The gathering wanted to grab lunch together. Bansi wanted to be with himself and figure out how to undo his mistake, but relented. He had settled in his cabin for only a few minutes post lunch, when his team barged in to discuss a development. By the time he finished resolving the matter, it was evening and he could make out people readying to call it a day from his cabin.
The twilight was turning into dark and the office became silent. The storm still raged in his mind. The mobile phone rang. His driver had been trying to reach him since afternoon. He informed that he had left early because his kid had run up a high fever and that the car keys were with the reception. Bansi listened to him and wishing quick return to health for the kid ended the call. He had wanted to stay back and clear his mind in office. But the thought of driving through traffic if he would start any later changed his mind. He packed up, picked up the keys from reception and started back home.
“…Kalmadi ko agar aap koi job dete…” – “…aapko humein batana hai ki Anushka Sharma kitna padhi…” – “…computer ne suicide kar liya hai kyu ki woh subah se hang…” – “…taka tak Mumbai, Rohit ke saath…” – “…fir jeene ki tamanna hai, aaj fir marne ka…” Nothing on the radio could crowd the voices in his head or the buzz of engines outside. The traffic had almost come to a standstill and he hadn’t even driven couple of kilometers from office.
The mobile phone rang. Radha, like a clockwork, checked when he would be back. He confirmed that he would be back by usual time. After the call ended, he screamed at the top of his voice and then spoke to himself: “Shit! What the fuck have I done? What am I going to do?” He was almost shivering. He felt lost in the labyrinth of his thoughts and feelings, with no way out, afraid he would be stuck there.
The mobile phone rang again. It snapped him back to reality. Ramesh, his friend, was returning yesterday’s call which he hadn’t answered. Bansi told him that he needed to discuss a matter with him and if they could speak in a while as he was driving. Ramesh was boarding a flight and agreed to call later that night. Ramesh’s understanding tone somewhat calmed him.
He was still trying to navigate through the traffic at snail’s pace, when his phone beeped. Ramesh messaged: Sensed something was wrong. Spoke with Shoma. Learnt of the whole deal. Will discuss tonight anyway. Meanwhile, question: What do YOU want? Bansi looked at the phone screen. He tried to dismiss it as irrelevant to what had happened that day, when he realized that Ramesh didn’t know what had happened that day, since Shoma didn’t know it either. Suddenly it struck him: the question was relevant, as of the day before.
The question solved the jigsaw puzzle of his thoughts and he could see clearly the picture of the path and destination ahead of him. A truck and a BEST bus had broken in the middle of the highway. Bansi noticed them as he passed, relieved that the road ahead was not jammed. The lanes were clear and Bansi drove freely all along the way to home.
He reached his apartment complex, entered the parking lot and parked the car in its spot. He switched off the engine and silence fell through the parking. Letting out a sigh, he let his head fall back into the head rest. The dim lights illuminating the row of concrete pillars culminating in the dark entrance to parking came in his view. He had never seen the parking lot like that before, mostly cars had blocked the view, as also usually he had seated in the back. His new-found conviction was battling its by-product hesitation. There was no doubt, but he wanted to think through again, even if merely to buttress his conviction.
He realized that he had been lonely for a long time then. As long as his parents had been alive, their love and pampering made up for any loneliness he might have felt. He was the lone son, the result of over almost two decades of praying and trying. They had done their best to never let him feel wanting either materially or otherwise. He had returned their love by being obedient and respectful of their wishes.
Radha had not been able to fill in the void their loss had created. Initially, Sumit’s birth and childhood and his work had kept him too busy to notice that. Once he had noticed, he had blamed his focus on career for her emotional unavailability. Not that he had ever worked late or ignored his responsibilities; but others had told him that was what was likely. He acknowledged to himself that Radha hadn’t ignored her responsibilities either. In fact, her good nature had not given him any reason to refuse when their marriage was proposed by his parents. She had done her part as a daughter-in-law and was doing her part as a mother more than well. She never forgot dates important to the family, never fed him or Sumit an apology for a meal, looked after them when they were ill, always extended hospitality to his or Sumit’s friends. But she had ignored him.
He had made it a point to work on their relationship: talking to her daily even if it was only over dinner, taking her out for meals & movies now and then, bringing her flowers or gifts once in a while, planning activities together, romantic getaways and evenings, making their intimate moments memorable. Her responses were mechanical: she had barely listened when he spoke, the flowers had often wilted in the bouquet they came in, she hadn’t wanted to do a lot on their getaways or in bed. Hoping that Radha would eventually feel what he needed, he had continued investing in his marriage patiently. Yet, he had become impatient once. He had observed her interest in cooking and had enrolled them in cooking classes. She had quit mid-way, but he had persisted hoping that he could reach her heart through taking interest in her passion. One weekend, he had asked the maid to take the morning off and told Radha they should cook together. She had merely nodded and after a few minutes had left him alone in the kitchen to watch TV. He had lost his composure that day, but the frustration had been vented out on onions and tomatoes. Nevertheless, that had not put an end to his efforts. He had then discussed his needs and expectations with her explicitly often after that. She had shrugged off those discussions asking him why he had behaved as if there had been something wrong with them and that he should be content with the way things were, like she was.
The situation would have gotten the best of him, had the cross-functional team which introduced him to Bhago had not been assembled. They both became good friends, as they worked together in the team. She became the companion, which Radha couldn’t and filled in the gap which his friends alone couldn’t. He enjoyed their conversations over coffee in his cabin. She made him laugh, made him feel comforted and understood. Last weekend by the pool, lying beneath the stars he had wondered if in some alternate universe, they had probably found each other much earlier to be happy forever. But, in that moment he did not bother about some other universe, he wanted to see the happy himself in this universe itself.
Bright lights suddenly blinded his vision. Driving at high beam a car entered the parking lot. It was not going to be easy, but he had to do it. He exited the car and made way through the lift to his floor. When he entered the house, Radha was on the phone as usual. She gave him the phone whispering that it was Sumit. As he spoke with Sumit, the enormity of what he was going to do dawned on him. He would have to deal with Sumit later. He wished him well for his studies and told him that he would call him back. As he put down the phone, Radha was heading to the kitchen. He asked her to sit down with him and that he something important to speak. But she asked him to freshen up instead. Almost jumping, he held her hand firmly and repeated his plea. He settled on the center-table facing Radha who sat on the couch.
(this is part 3 of a multi-part story, part 1: Bhago here and part 2: Radha here… concluding part next)
